Surrender v. Acceptance

Are they the same?

Surrender seems passive like giving up.

“Surrender, in a biblical context, refers to the act of yielding or submitting to the authority and will of God.” – biblehub.com

Acceptance seems as if you are not just realizing the nature of the situation, but are taking action to fix it.

“Acceptance is not surrender. It is the moment you stop wasting energy on what is already true and start using that energy to decide what to do next.” – Shane Parrish, Farnum Street/Brain Food Newsletter

What if they are two sides of the same coin?

Acceptance means you take people, places, and things as they are not as you want them to be.

You are going to do your part in changing the situation for the better.

Surrender means you are going to be ok with whatever the outcome of your actions are.

Effort, not outcome.

That’s the only thing we have control over, our effort.

We have to accept that.

We have to surrender to whatever outcome comes our way based on that effort.

Easier said than done.

“Don’t seek to have events happen as you wish, but wish them to happen as they do happen, and all will be well with you.” – Epictetus

Fate will happen whether you want it to or not.

It’s best to accept your situation as it is. Give your best effort and surrender to the outcome.

Our Thoughts

Our existence is colored by our thoughts.

We cannot control what happens to us, but we do control our thoughts about what happens to us.

“Get busy with life’s purpose, toss aside empty hopes, get active in your own rescue – if you care for yourself at all – and do it while you can.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 3.14

When bad things happen it is our responsibility to pick ourselves up and work on saving ourselves.

The first step is controlling our attitudes and our thoughts about the situation.

Just because we think positively doesn’t mean the outcome will be positive.

Fear will certainly set in when we are faced with an unexpected change.

If we worry about something bad happening that doesn’t mean that it will happen either.

“Sticking with uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic – that is the spiritual path.” -Pema Chodron

No matter what is happening around us or to us, panic is not helpful.

We have to be willing to have hope that no matter what is going on around us that we have the capacity to handle it.

“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.” -Václav Havel

We have to have the faith that our future selves will be able to handle whatever life puts in our path.

If we are positive (or as positive as our circumstances allow) our lives will inevitably be better.

Confident Humility

“Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.” – Charles Darwin, Think Again, Adam Grant, p. 33.

The idea of confident humility was introduced by Adam Grant in his book, Think Again.

“Confident humility: having faith in our capability while appreciating that we may not have the right solution or even be addressing the right problem.” – Think Again, Adam Grant, p.47

This dichotomy has been a constant struggle in my life. It is a delicate balance.

My confidence has helped me succeed. It has often, however, bordered on hubris and been my downfall in some situations.

“As we gain experience, we lose some of our humility.” – Think Again, Adam Grant, p. 45.

Humility has also been a challenge. I have not had enough of it which explains the hubris.

I often have gone to the opposite extreme, using humility as a weapon on myself. Never thinking I am good enough.

“Although they have faith in their strengths, they’re also keenly aware of their weaknesses.” – Think Again, Adam Grant, p. 48.

I need to have confidence in my ability with the understanding I have a lot to learn.

I need to have the humility to know I have a lot to learn without berating myself over every mistake.

I also need to realize that my ability is only part of the story.

“Humility is mostly about being very honest about how much you owe to luck.” – Kevin Kelly

I have worked really hard to get where I am. To get here I have had to have the confidence to keep trying.

I am learning to have the humility to know where I am has also been about luck and being at the right place at the right time.

I am working on having the confidence to keep going after a setback and to be humble enough to continue to know the outcome is not always mine to determine.

Good Luck, Bad Luck

There is an old Zen story. A farmer’s horse runs away. His neighbors say to the farmer, “What bad luck.” The farmer says, “Maybe.”

The next day the horse comes back followed by a pack of wild horses. His neighbors say to the farmer, “What good luck.” The farmer says, “Maybe.”

The next day the farmer’s son is trying to break one of the wild horses and falls off and breaks his leg. His neighbors say to the farmer, “What bad luck.” The farmer says, “Maybe.”

The next day the army comes through the town to draft every able bodied man. The farmer’s son is spared because of the broken leg. His neighbors say to the farmer, “What good luck.” The farmer says, “Maybe.”

This fable is about perspective.

A situation is what it is. Good or bad is your judgement of the situation.

“It’s not things that trouble us, but our judgement about things” – Epictetus

As the story says, what seems to be good luck can turn out bad and what seems to be bad luck can turn out good.

The old farmer kept all of this in perspective.

Life will happen to each and every one of us. We make situations more complicated when we add judgments to what happens.

Now keeping our judgements in check is easier said than done.

When something great happens to us we want to celebrate, not necessarily knowing that catastrophe could be right around the corner because of this great thing.

Similarly something bad happens to us and all we can think about is the catastrophe that has befallen us, not necessarily knowing that it could be protecting us from something worse or opening us up to something better.

We cannot control what happens to us. We can control how we respond to what happens to us.

Our response is based on our judgement.

If we can look at the situation without assigning good or bad to it we have a fighting chance of coming out better on the other side.

Beginnings

Why wait until the New Year?

Most people need an ending to have a beginning.

The end of the year is convenient.

But what about the end of the month, the week, or a day?

You don’t have to wait until the New Year to make a change.

Every minute is an ending and a beginning.

You can take this moment to do better, to be better.

Do the next right thing.

Times will be good. Times will be bad.

Life has a way of hitting you hard. It also has a way of turning around quickly.

“Happiness, of course, depends less upon our circumstances than upon our thoughts.” – 365 Promises and Prayers for Dealing with Anxiety and Fear

You have to love all of it. Amor Fati.

There is no other choice.

Enjoy this moment. Each one is a new beginning.

The Problem

All my life, I have thought that other people, things, issues, etc., were the problem.

I now realize I am the problem.

Now, that doesn’t mean that people, things, issues, etc. don’t cause issues in my life.

Even if these issues are not my fault, they are my problem.

You have no control over what happens to you.

Where you can become the problem is how you react to what happens to you.

It’s easier to blame others.

However, since we have no control over others it is impossible to fix that problem.

We do have control over what we do next.

This idea that you are the problem can be both terrifying and liberating.

If you’re the problem, you can’t blame others for the issues in your life.

If you’re the problem, then you are also the solution.

It’s the idea of taking ownership of your life that’s hard.

Are we going to make it better or worse?

I have a choice today.

I can accept what is and is not in my control and be grateful, or I can curse the world.

Either way, what is going on around me won’t change.

It is not easy.

The idea that we can make any situation better by the choices we make is freeing.

Choose wisely.

Overwhelmed

When we seek perfection in everything we do, we often feel overwhelmed.

You can’t ever be perfect so seeking it leaves you feeling inadequate.

This inadequacy can make you feel overwhelmed because no matter what you do it is never enough.

Take a step back and breathe into the moment. Then, do the next logical thing.

Many times we feel overwhelmed because we overschedule or overcommit.

The most precious commodity that we all have is time. We have to protect it.

That often means we need to say no. That is hard for many of us.

We don’t want to disappoint people. We want to be seen as helpful.

We will certainly disappoint people if we overcommit and underdeliver, and we can’t be helpful if we are overwhelmed.

I have learned that we do not control every thought that pops into our heads. But we do control our reaction to them.

We do not have to respond to them. We can let them pass like boats on the water.

If you respond to every negative thought you have, you will be overwhelmed.

When those thoughts come let them go and then remember why you are blessed.

Remembering your blessings rather than your problems will alleviate the overwhelm.

It is an impossibility not to be overwhelmed at times.

However, if you give yourself some grace, protect your time, let your negative thoughts go, and focus on the good things in your life, you will have more peace.

Flawed

I am flawed.

I struggle with perfectionism.

Perfection is an impossibility.

I saw a sign outside a school that said something to the effect of chase perfection and catch excellence.

This is the wrong message to send to students.

Chasing perfection is a fool’s errand. You will always be disappointed.

Chasing excellence is reasonable.

Chasing improvement every day is attainable.

Perfectionism causes you to take the safe path.

If you have to be perfect, you will not be willing to try and fail, which is the only way you learn or create something new.

I have spent my whole life worrying about what others think of me.

It has often led me to make poor choices to fit in.

“The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.” — Warren Buffett, Sunday Thinking, The Daily Coach newsletter

Your opinion of yourself is what matters most.

Most of the time, others are not thinking of you. They are too busy thinking of themselves.

Go out there. Try and fail.

Learn something from your failure that will improve your life.

Worry about what you think of yourself not what others think about you.

Irritating or Irritable

Small, annoying stuff happens to us each and every day.

Is what happened irritating or are you irritable?

Whether it bothers you is the choice you make in interpreting what has happened.

However hard it may be the choice to be upset about what is going on is still yours.

Choose to not let it bother you and it won’t.

Now that is easier said than done.

Especially on one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong.

It may take a Herculean effort to not lose it.

“Think…how soon you and your vexations will be laid in the grave.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

There is always a space between stimulus and response.

Sometimes that space may be brief but it’s there.

Breathe. Be present. Find calm.

Not everything needs an immediate response. Something’s don’t need a response at all.

If you react on emotion you will make a bad situation worse.

“Our rage and lamentations do us more harm than whatever caused our anger and grief in the first place.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Let your emotions subside then you can give a thoughtful, measured response.

Preparing to Live

“A most dangerous temptation is the temptation to prepare to live, instead of living. The future does not belong to you. Therefore, remember to live the best way you know now.” – Leo Tolstoy, A Calendar of Wisdom

We all have fallen into the trap of preparing to live.

When we get the new job, we will have it made.

When we get more money, we will take that trip.

When we retire, we will have time to spend with our families.

We all forget that the future is promised to no one.

We need to live each day to its fullest.

Now that doesn’t mean we should be reckless with our time, our money, or our life.

It means we should be intentional with what we do with them.

“Everyone hurries his life on and suffers from a yearning for the future and a weariness of the present. But he who bestows all of his time on his own needs, who plans out every day as if it were his last, neither longs for nor fears the morrow.” – Seneca

Don’t put off to tomorrow, something you need to do today.

Tomorrow may never come.

Don’t prepare to live, live every day.

Preaching

For those of us who have found the benefits of philosophy, whether it be Stoic, Christian, Buddhist, or some other tradition, we want to preach about those benefits to those around us.

We want to show people the error of their ways by showing them that we know a better way.

That strategy will fail.

When you preach and tell people where they are wrong, they shut down and stop listening.

They think you are self-righteous.

They get defensive and think you don’t understand their situation.

And you know what they’re right.

Even if it is your spouse, child, sibling, or best friend, as much as we can empathize with someone and their situation, we don’t honestly know what they are going through.

The philosophy that you found groundbreaking and helpful may fall flat for someone else.

The best thing you can do for someone else is be supportive in their journey and live by example.

The best way to show someone the benefits of your philosophy is to live it every day.

To be a positive example of what that philosophy has done in your life.

Empty words will help no one, but positive actions will.

Family

Nothing is more important than family.

They will be there in the good times and the bad.

By family, I don’t necessarily mean blood relations.

For many people, family is friends and colleagues.

I am very lucky that I have both.

My family has been there to celebrate with me during the good times and hold me up during the bad.

Whoever you call family, don’t forget to let them know how you feel about them.

One day you won’t have that opportunity again.

A New Journey

A new journey begins with one step.

You can be on this journey because you want change or change can be thrust upon you.

Either way you have to take that first step.

Then the next and the next.

One foot in front of the other. One moment at a time.

The road will not be straight or smooth.

You will meet obstacles.

You may go over them or through them or around them.

These obstacles may force you on a new journey.

Whatever you do keep going.

Not only keep going but do it with joy. Life is too short to be miserable.

Wait long enough, good or bad, the situation will change.

Drawing

When I was a kid I loved to draw and paint. I took art lessons for several years.

I’m no Picasso, but I enjoyed it.

I eventually stopped. I guess I got involved in other things that in my mind became more important.

Recently my parents sent me a sketchbook and a drawing kit.

When I sat down to draw I fell in love all over again.

When I draw, I lose myself in it. Whatever may be troubling me fades into the background, and my mind becomes more peaceful.

The same thing happens when I write.

All my troubles fade from my consciousness.

It is about being present. It easier to be present when you are doing something you love.

We all must learn to be present in everything we do.

Drawing and writing are my training grounds for presence.

I’m no expert in presence. I can find a million reasons not to draw and write or to be distracted from the task at hand.

I’m getting better. I’m a work in progress.

I would recommend you find something you can lose yourself in to train your mind to be present.

Your whole life will benefit.

Moving Forward

Moving forward requires a solid taste of reality.

You will never move forward if you still think that what is gone will come back.

You have to let go of the past.

“When you let go of what you are, you become what you might be.” – The Daily Coach, Notes from an Elder newsletter

You have to be present.

You have to set new goals for the future.

You have to put one foot in front of the other and make the life that you want.

You can’t listen to the naysayers and those that don’t want you to succeed.

You have to listen to that little voice inside you that says to keep going. You have to believe.

You have to remember you are 100% getting through bad days.

It may not be the life you thought you would have but it can be the life that you never imagined.

It will not be easy. It may be scary. But it can be possible if you really believe.

Put your head down and get to work.

Happy Father’s Day

Being a father is the most important job I have.

It is not always the easy.

It is hard to lead by example.

The thing you have to remember is that you don’t have to be perfect.

Your children learn just as much from your mistakes as they do from your victories.

From your mistakes, they need to learn to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and keep trying.

From your victories they need to learn how to win with humility and not let it go to their heads.

Whether they learn either lesson is up to you and how you handle yourself.

My favorite title in the world is Dad. Love you, Anna and Brendon.

Letting Go

This post is a companion to last week’s about wishful thinking.

Once you have gotten over your wishful thinking about how your life should work out in the future.

You have to let go.

Let go of people, places, and things that may be keeping you from being present in this moment and living the life that is right in front of you.

Holding on and wishful thinking are ways of denying reality. We may not want it to be true, but it is.

Are you strong enough to let go?

We are very good at talking ourselves into holding on. That’s wishful thinking.

Letting go can be freeing.

It can clear all the mental clutter that is holding you back.

But change is scary. What if it doesn’t work out?

Guess what you have only so much control over that anyway. Focus on what you can control.

Giving your best effort at making the most of the situation.

Turning this situation into a stepping stone, not a stumbling block.

Wishful Thinking

We all wish our lives had turned a little bit different. There’s always something we regret or wish had gone the other way.

“To be able to accept what is, we have to relinquish our hold on how we wish things to be.” – yung pueblo, lighter, p. 61

Sometimes we hold on to things because we think that is what we are supposed to do.

We should take this path because that is what is expected of us, even if it makes us miserable.

Or if we hold on to that dream just a little longer, it is bound to come true.

“Holding on is a survival tactic born out of fear and scarcity. Fear is a craving for safety.” – yung pueblo, lighter, p. 62

Sometimes the best gift we can give to ourselves is to let go of what we hoped would have or hope will happen.

This is the Buddhist idea of hopelessness. Not hoping things turned out differently but being present with how things did turn out.

The way we want things to turn out often doesn’t happen and that dream may be unattainable. We have to let go of what we thought we want, to have the future that’s out there for us.

“Since the amount of stress you experience depends on the intensity of your reaction, the only solution that is within your control is changing yourself.” – yung pueblo, lighter, p. 65

Let go. Be open to the possibilities that are in front of you. Make the obstacle the way.

“The impediment to the action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 5.20

Life is going to happen how it happens. We only have control over our response to what happens.

To think that we can change most outcomes. That truly is wishful thinking.

One Day At A Time

That is all we have.

Honestly, we only have this moment.

As each moment ends it becomes our past. There is nothing we can do to change it.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t plan for the future. We should.

We just need to understand that those plans may not turn out how we hoped.

When life throws you a curve, you have to adjust and make the best of the situation.

You do that one moment at a time. One day at a time.

Your Opinion

“Everything is opinion.” -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.26

Most of what goes through our heads each day about our life are opinions, not facts.

What is the evidence that what you are saying to yourself or about your situation is true?

Evidence, not opinions.

Often these opinions are because of a lack of patience.

We are impatient with how our life is going or where we are in life right now.

You can be honest with yourself without being harsh.

You can be compassionate without being delusional.

Focus on the facts, the evidence on hand, right now.

Don’t create a catastrophe where one doesn’t exist.

Our thoughts and opinions are under our control. We don’t have to believe the narrative that goes through our head.

Thoughts can be like boats on the water as you sit on the beach.

Let them sail by. They don’t have to mean anything.

To let them upset you is your choice.

We need to be present in this moment. It is all we have.

No one knows what the next moment has in store for us.

Be open to all the possibilities. Even the ones that you may not have contemplated in the past.

My Life

This is my life. Is it the life I thought I would have a year ago? No, but that’s irrelevant. It’s the life I have.

I can be miserable and worry about all the bad things and that will not change my situation.

I can be positive and count my blessings and that will not change my situation.

I can look at the situation as the end. I can blame others. I can be angry.

I can look for the opportunity in the obstacle. I can learn about myself. I can heal.

I can take either path, but only one will make the journey easier.

Sometimes life has to teach us lessons, lessons we refuse to learn on our own.

This is one of those times.

I needed to learn humility. I needed to learn egolessness. I needed to learn what is important.

Family is important. Friends are important. Helping others is important.

Power is not important. A title is not important. What people think is not important.

Life will go on and it’s never too late to start over.

“You can still make something of this life. You can still be grateful for whatever – and how much ever – time you have left…There is no too late.” – Daily Stoic Meditations

I am grateful for life’s lessons. I am grateful for everything that has happened, good and bad. I am grateful for one more day to be better.

Follow Nature’s Course

“Everything has to submit to what happens, but only rational beings are given the power to follow what happens voluntarily.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.28

What is going to happen is going to happen. We have less control over the future than we think.

We can complain about it. We can get angry about it.

Your reaction will not change the outcome.

“The Fates guide the person who accepts them and hinders the person who resists them.” – Cleanthes

We only control our response, so we must accept what has happened and move on.

Use it as a learning experience. Use it as fuel to find something better, to be better.

“Oh, wretched I, to whom this mischance is happened! Nay, happy I, to whom this thing happened, I can continue without grief; neither wounded by that which is present, nor in fear of that which is to come.” Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 4.44

Often the worst-case scenarios that we invent in our head never come true. We rob the joy from today by worrying about things that may never happen tomorrow.

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca.

In the moment, it may feel like the end of the world. Unless it has killed you, then it’s not the end of the world. If it has killed you, then your pain is over.

If it hasn’t killed you, then use it to make you better and stronger.

Don’t quit. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

Acceptance

“How much wiser would it be to accept what we are given and show justice, moderation, and obedience to God, and do this in all simplicity.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.27

You have to be willing to take what you are given, good or bad. Whatever is handed to you, soldier on.

Wanting something other than what the universe has in store for you is a recipe for unhappiness.

Accept your current situation. There is no other option.

Accept that your past is over, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

“We can just try sitting with it all – our thoughts, our feelings, our perceptions – and letting everything be just as it is.” – Pema Chödrön, Welcoming the Unwelcome

Acceptance of the present and past, does not mean that you have to accept a future of misery.

If what you think you want is in the cards, it will come to you.

Be patient. Be present. Focus on what you control.

Your thoughts. Your attitudes. Your actions. How you treat other people.

You will receive exactly what you can handle and what is mean to to be for you.

Accept it.

Pain and Anguish

“External things are not your problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.47

Pain, stress, and anguish, are all negative emotions that come from how you perceive things.

If you don’t want to be harmed by something, you don’t have to be.

“Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option to accept the event with humility, to treat this person as he should be treated, and to approach this thought with care, so that nothing irrational creeps in.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 7.54.

No one has control over my thoughts and reactions but me.

I can choose to be serene and content.

I can choose to move on and never look back.

That’s much easier than it sounds.

We want to be right. We want other people to know we’re right.

But where does that get us?

Nowhere.

Keep going forward. Learn from your mistakes. Move on.

Accept people for who they are. Give them grace for their mistakes because at some point you made the same ones.