Self-Pity

Self-pity is a deep, dark hole.

Something terrible has happened, and now we feel sorry for ourselves.

We think that we are the only one that this has happened to and everyone is talking about us.

Both of those thoughts are wrong.

Whatever has happened to you has happened to hundreds, thousands, if not millions of other people. It is definitely happening to someone else right now.

“That everything that happens is natural…That whatever happens has always happened, and always will.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.26

The number of people talking about you and your troubles are right around zero. How do I know?

Because you feel like your the center of attention and all eyes are on you, so does everyone else. They are too worried about themselves to worry about you.

Self-pity will make the problem worse. The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself is less time you are spending on finding a solution.

Find some compassion for yourself and what you are going through. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend who is going through the same thing.

Don’t focus on why it happened. That never matters because you can’t change the past.

Don’t catastrophize the future. Whatever the outcome, it will never be as bad as you make it out to be.

Focus on how to respond to what is happening.

Don’t let your negative thoughts get in the way of finding a solution.

Don’t let your ego get in the way of looking at all the solutions, even ones you may not have considered before.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Keep going. Better days are ahead.

The Journey

Life is a journey, not a destination.

I have been trying meditation and mindfulness lately. I am not very good at it.

My mind moves a million miles an hour. I have a hard time focusing on the present moment.

Guess what that’s ok. Mindfulness is a journey.

I have been working on Stoicism for three years now. I am still not very good at it.

I have a hard time focusing on what I can control. I have a hard time letting go of the past and not catastrophising the future.

Guess what that’s ok. Stoicism is a journey.

Whatever you are trying to accomplish is a journey.

Beating yourself up because you aren’t the best at something. Doesn’t help you get better.

Anne Lamott in her book on writing Bird by Bird describes writing and life like driving a car at night.

“You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.”

You don’t have to have the whole journey figured out.

You have to have a destination in mind but you don’t have to see it. Focus on what is three feet ahead of you, then another three feet.

That’s how you make progress on this journey we call life. A little progress every day.

The path doesn’t have to be perfect. There will be bumps in the road and detours. Just keep moving. You will eventually get to where you want to be.

Enjoy the journey.

Blame

Something bad happened. Who’s to blame?

Is that important?

So you have identified who’s to blame, is that going to change your situation?

The blame game never helps anyone solve a problem. It’s a waste of energy.

“You should not blame the gods for what happens in accordance with nature because they do nothing wrong either on purpose or by accident. You should not blame human beings either because they don’t do wrong on purpose. Blame no one.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.12

People make decisions in their own best interest. If it harms you, whether it is good or bad is your opinion.

“Our desires should be restrained, and our aversions should be limited to matters under our control.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11.37

Blame wastes valuable time trying to rationalize why it happened.

It’s over. Why it happened doesn’t matter. It only matters what you’re going to do moving forward.

Amor Fati – “Not merely to bear what is necessary, still less conceal it….but love it.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Accept what has happened. Breath. Be present. Calm.

Now make a plan to take what has happened and use it to your advantage.

You have lost your job. Take the time to figure out what is important and how you are going to use the time wisely to make your new life better.

A relationship ended. Take the time to evaluate what happened and use that information to make the other relationships in your life more meaningful.

The fact that you are alive is a miracle. Be grateful.

Don’t waste your time on blame. Use your time to be present and get better.

Failure

What is worse failing or the regret from not trying?

In the moment, failing feels worse.

Failure, as long as you give everything, should never lead to regret.

Not trying always leads to regret.

The what ifs. What if I had succeeded? What if things had gone my way?

How do you know you would have failed if you haven’t tried?

To me regret is worse. You just don’t know what would have happened.

If you fail, you have the information to learn the next time.

No matter how old you are the story is never written.

As long as you are above the soil you have time to do great things.

You will fail.

Dust yourself off, learn from it, and keep going.

The Right Path

“You can see what needs to be done. If you can see the road, follow it. Cheerfully without turning back. If not, hold up and get the best advice you can. If anything gets in the way, forge on ahead, making good use of what you have on hand sticking to what seems right.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.12

I have not always followed the right path. I have not always made the best decisions.

We get caught up in the moment. What we think is a good decision at the time doesn’t look so good in the light of the next day.

That’s ok. Today I can find the right path.

We all think the right path is straight. That is not the case.

The right path has twists and turns. It even has switchbacks and places where you have to turn around and start over.

“Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.” – Pocahontoas

Keep pressing on. If the right path were the easy path everyone would take it.

The right path will knock you down. It might even humiliate you.

You must find the courage to keep going. Put your head down, ignore the noise, and do the work.

Thank You

In What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith recommends when you receive feedback, positive or negative, all you should say is Thank You.

First it is disarming. Most people, when they provide feedback, expect an argument. Just listen to what they have to say and say Thank You.

Second receiving feedback can be emotional, especially negative feedback. It’s better to just listen, take it in, and say Thank You.

There is no need to debate every point. There is no need to offer an opinion in every conversation.

You don’t have to agree with everything that’s said but usually some of what is said is true.

Feedback is difficult to hear because we see ourselves one way, where the world sees us another. Say Thank You then sit down and reflect on what was said.

Take what you can use to get better, discard the rest.

Keep going back to anyone who has the courage to give you feedback, especially negative feedback. Check in with them to see how you are doing and say Thank You.

Don’t be right. Get it right. And say Thank You.

Justice

Justice is the hardest of the four Stoic virtues.

Justice means doing the right thing even when it is hard and unpopular.

Justice requires you to live up to the other three virtues.

Justice requires the wisdom to know what the right thing is in any situation.

“The virtue of justice consists in moderation, as regulated by wisdom.” – Aristotle

Justice requires the courage to do the right thing in the face of people who disagree with you and may even hate you for it.

“Courage is of no value unless accompanied by justice; yet if all men became just, there would be no need for courage.” – Agesilaus the Second

Justice requires the discipline to do the right thing again and again.

“[A] man has it in his power to be just, if he have but the will to be so.” – Plutarch, Lives: Life of Cato the Younger

We need to be just because it is the right thing no matter what others do or if we get praise.

“Live out your life in truth and justice, tolerant of those who are neither true nor just.” – Marcus Aurelius.

Justice is the reward in its own right. Don’t worry about what others think. What you think and do is all that matters.

Be strict with yourself and tolerant of others.

Courage

Oxford Languages dictionary defines courage as the ability to do something that frightens one and strength in the face of pain or grief.

The Stoics would define courage as living your life virtuously by holding on to your principles no matter what you are facing.

“A setback has often cleared the way for greater prosperity. Many things have fallen only to rise to more exalted heights.” – Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

We have faced many challenges in education recently. A pandemic, civil unrest, a charged political climate. All have come to our doorstep.

Each one of these has challenged what we do and how we do it.

The one thing that should never change is why we do it. The students.

What we do and how we do it can and should change as new and better ideas come along.

Why we do it that’s where the courage comes along.

We are constantly challenged by outside forces to question why we got into education.

Angry parents, unruly students, unfunded mandates, the list is endless.

We have to have the courage to filter out the noise and focus on what we can control.

We can control showing up every day and giving everything we have for our students.

We can control having the courage to make the right choices for students even when they are hard and unpopular.

“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” —Franklin D. Roosevelt

Our students must be more important than our fear.

Do we have the courage to give every student what they need to be successful?

Do we have the courage to take the challenges we have faced and “rise to more exalted heights?”

If we want a better world than we have today, we have to.

Amor Fati

Amor Fati means love one’s fate.

Friedrich Nietzsche created the idea.

“That one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backwards, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it….but love it.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

When life is going good Amor Fati is easy. All’s good. No reason to regret anything. Loving life.

When life starts throwing challenges at you that’s when Amor Fati becomes difficult.

But if you read Nietzsche’s quote carefully he doesn’t say love your fate when it’s easy. He says “one wants nothing to be different.”

Everything happens for a reason. We may not be able to see or comprehend it at the time, but the reason is there.

Bad things will happen. That’s inevitable. Why try to pretend they won’t?

We would all love life to go our way all the time. That’s not reality.

“Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happen the way it happens: then you will be happy.” – Epictetus

As much as we try, we do not control what happens to us. We only control our response to what happens.

Why be miserable? It is what it is, and it will be what it will be.

Life is too short not to love that you are alive.

Every day is a gift. Even the bad ones.

It’s a Phase

I was listening to Ryan Holiday’s Daily Stoic podcast from May 25. It began with Ryan talking about everything in life is a phase.

Good, bad, or indifferent. Whatever you are going through will end eventually. Even if it means the end of you.

“Everything that happens is either endurable or not. If it’s endurable then endure it. Stop complaining. If it’s unendurable… then stop complaining. Your will mean it’s end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your best interest to do so.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book X.3

When you are going through something it may seem unbearable at the time. Then years later you look back, and you made it through and learned something from it.

What if you had that perspective when you were going through it?

Everything that happens to you is endurable. It may not seem like it in the moment. It may be painful but as I said in an earlier blog post: Pain = Growth.

Don’t get caught complaining even to yourself. What you are going through is hard enough. Don’t make it harder by feeling sorry for yourself.

There is always something to learn and something positive to take away from every situation. No matter how hard or painful.

The most painful experiences make us better.

“It’s not what happens to you but how you react that matters.” – Epictetus

What I believe in

Courage – do what’s right especially when it’s hard and unpopular.

Have high expectations for everyone including myself.

Justice – every child should have what they need to succeed. Fair is not equal.

Relationships are key. “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Everyone should have a say in their environment.

Stop believing we know what is right about how every child learns. Ask them. Open our minds to new possibilities.

Wisdom – to have the humility to know that I don’t know everything and the confidence to continue to learn.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” – Unknown

Learn with students and from everyone you come into contact with.

It is less about being right. It’s more about learning and considering different views.

“Am I hear to learn something or to prove something?“ – Holstee, Reflections newsletter

We should spend more time asking questions than pretending like we have all the answers.

We all need to rethink our beliefs regularly.

Discipline – to have control over my emotions and actions and to live my life according to these ideals.

“Excellence not perfection” – Adam Grant, Think Again Podcast.

Life is hard. You have to keep grinding every day no matter what.

“The impediment to action advances the action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” – Marcus Aurelius