Self-Pity

Self-pity is a deep, dark hole.

Something terrible has happened, and now we feel sorry for ourselves.

We think that we are the only one that this has happened to and everyone is talking about us.

Both of those thoughts are wrong.

Whatever has happened to you has happened to hundreds, thousands, if not millions of other people. It is definitely happening to someone else right now.

“That everything that happens is natural…That whatever happens has always happened, and always will.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.26

The number of people talking about you and your troubles are right around zero. How do I know?

Because you feel like your the center of attention and all eyes are on you, so does everyone else. They are too worried about themselves to worry about you.

Self-pity will make the problem worse. The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself is less time you are spending on finding a solution.

Find some compassion for yourself and what you are going through. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend who is going through the same thing.

Don’t focus on why it happened. That never matters because you can’t change the past.

Don’t catastrophize the future. Whatever the outcome, it will never be as bad as you make it out to be.

Focus on how to respond to what is happening.

Don’t let your negative thoughts get in the way of finding a solution.

Don’t let your ego get in the way of looking at all the solutions, even ones you may not have considered before.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Keep going. Better days are ahead.

Blame

Something bad happened. Who’s to blame?

Is that important?

So you have identified who’s to blame, is that going to change your situation?

The blame game never helps anyone solve a problem. It’s a waste of energy.

“You should not blame the gods for what happens in accordance with nature because they do nothing wrong either on purpose or by accident. You should not blame human beings either because they don’t do wrong on purpose. Blame no one.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.12

People make decisions in their own best interest. If it harms you, whether it is good or bad is your opinion.

“Our desires should be restrained, and our aversions should be limited to matters under our control.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11.37

Blame wastes valuable time trying to rationalize why it happened.

It’s over. Why it happened doesn’t matter. It only matters what you’re going to do moving forward.

Amor Fati – “Not merely to bear what is necessary, still less conceal it….but love it.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Accept what has happened. Breath. Be present. Calm.

Now make a plan to take what has happened and use it to your advantage.

You have lost your job. Take the time to figure out what is important and how you are going to use the time wisely to make your new life better.

A relationship ended. Take the time to evaluate what happened and use that information to make the other relationships in your life more meaningful.

The fact that you are alive is a miracle. Be grateful.

Don’t waste your time on blame. Use your time to be present and get better.

Our Opinions

“This never ceases to amaze me. We love ourselves above all others and yet value our opinions less than that of others.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.4

I have spent much of my life worrying about what others would think of me rather than just doing the right thing.

This mindset of seeking outside approval has led me down the wrong road on multiple occasions.

I am working on doing the right thing even when it is hard.

Some people will not like that.

That’s ok.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch

Other people’s opinions are fleeting. Some days they will love you. Some days they will hate. Most days they don’t even think about you.

“The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes the color of your thoughts. Color it with a run of thoughts like [this]: Anywhere you can lead your life, you can lead a good one.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 5.16.i

You have to live with yourself every moment of every day. Your opinion matters more.

Be the best person you can be in each moment. Believe in yourself and color your thoughts with a positive opinion of yourself.

That’s all that matters.

Be Kind

You never know what someone else is going through.

The angry comment your coworker made to you. The idiot that cut you off in traffic. The rude person in the grocery store.

Maybe they just found out they have cancer. Maybe they are rushing to say goodbye to a dying loved one. Maybe their husband or wife told them they wanted a divorce.

Be kind.

You cannot control what anyone does or says to you.

Be kind.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Let it go and move on.

Be kind.

“Whenever anyone criticizes or wrongs you, remember that they are only doing or saying what they think is right. They cannot be guided by your views, only their own; so if their views are wrong, they are the ones who suffer insofar as they are misguided.” – Epictetus, Enchidrion

Their views are not your concern. You have to be concerned about how you act. Not them.

Let them carry that hate or anger. That is their burden.

That is a burden you do not need.

Be kind.

You never know when you will need someone else’s kindness.

Be kind.

There is someone else you need to be kind to, yourself.

Maybe you were the angry coworker. Maybe you were the idiot who cut someone off in traffic. Maybe you were the rude person at the grocery store.

Be kind to yourself.

Give yourself grace for your mistakes.

Be kind to yourself.

You are not defined by the mistakes in your past.

Be kind to yourself.

We say things in our heads to ourself that we would never say to another person.

Be kind to yourself.

As long as you are drawing breath you have the ability to be better tomorrow.

Be kind to yourself.

The compassion that you give to a loved one, to anyone, who makes a mistake you should give to your self.

Be kind to yourself.

There is always tomorrow.

Compassion

There is so much hostility in the world right now.

We could all use a little more compassion towards others and ourselves.

Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, which really isn’t helpful.

Empathy is a start. At least you are trying to understand what someone is going through.

Compassion is when you feel sympathy and empathy, AND you are actively doing something about it.

Most people, when confronted with someone who is generally concerned and wants to help, will at the very least lose some of their hostility.

“When we focus on others, we find motivation that is difficult to marshal for ourselves alone.” – Sheryl Sandberg, Option B, p. 97

Most people are more hostile in their own mind towards themselves than they would ever be to others. One mistake can elicit a torrent of negative thoughts.

“[Self-compassion] does not mean shirking responsibility for our past. It’s about making sure we don’t beat ourselves up so badly that we damage our future … Instead of thinking ‘if only I weren’t,’ we can think ‘if only I hadn’t’” – Sheryl Sandberg, Option B, p. 60-61

Self-compassion does not mean lowering your standards or making the same mistakes over and over. It means giving yourself a break when you do make a mistake.

Give yourself the grace you need to learn from your mistakes and move forward in a positive direction. The same grace you give other people.