Tag: Meditations

Self-Pity

Self-pity is a deep, dark hole.

Something terrible has happened, and now we feel sorry for ourselves.

We think that we are the only one that this has happened to and everyone is talking about us.

Both of those thoughts are wrong.

Whatever has happened to you has happened to hundreds, thousands, if not millions of other people. It is definitely happening to someone else right now.

“That everything that happens is natural…That whatever happens has always happened, and always will.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.26

The number of people talking about you and your troubles are right around zero. How do I know?

Because you feel like your the center of attention and all eyes are on you, so does everyone else. They are too worried about themselves to worry about you.

Self-pity will make the problem worse. The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself is less time you are spending on finding a solution.

Find some compassion for yourself and what you are going through. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend who is going through the same thing.

Don’t focus on why it happened. That never matters because you can’t change the past.

Don’t catastrophize the future. Whatever the outcome, it will never be as bad as you make it out to be.

Focus on how to respond to what is happening.

Don’t let your negative thoughts get in the way of finding a solution.

Don’t let your ego get in the way of looking at all the solutions, even ones you may not have considered before.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Keep going. Better days are ahead.

Blame

Something bad happened. Who’s to blame?

Is that important?

So you have identified who’s to blame, is that going to change your situation?

The blame game never helps anyone solve a problem. It’s a waste of energy.

“You should not blame the gods for what happens in accordance with nature because they do nothing wrong either on purpose or by accident. You should not blame human beings either because they don’t do wrong on purpose. Blame no one.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.12

People make decisions in their own best interest. If it harms you, whether it is good or bad is your opinion.

“Our desires should be restrained, and our aversions should be limited to matters under our control.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11.37

Blame wastes valuable time trying to rationalize why it happened.

It’s over. Why it happened doesn’t matter. It only matters what you’re going to do moving forward.

Amor Fati – “Not merely to bear what is necessary, still less conceal it….but love it.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Accept what has happened. Breath. Be present. Calm.

Now make a plan to take what has happened and use it to your advantage.

You have lost your job. Take the time to figure out what is important and how you are going to use the time wisely to make your new life better.

A relationship ended. Take the time to evaluate what happened and use that information to make the other relationships in your life more meaningful.

The fact that you are alive is a miracle. Be grateful.

Don’t waste your time on blame. Use your time to be present and get better.

Our Opinions

“This never ceases to amaze me. We love ourselves above all others and yet value our opinions less than that of others.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.4

I have spent much of my life worrying about what others would think of me rather than just doing the right thing.

This mindset of seeking outside approval has led me down the wrong road on multiple occasions.

I am working on doing the right thing even when it is hard.

Some people will not like that.

That’s ok.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch

Other people’s opinions are fleeting. Some days they will love you. Some days they will hate. Most days they don’t even think about you.

“The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes the color of your thoughts. Color it with a run of thoughts like [this]: Anywhere you can lead your life, you can lead a good one.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 5.16.i

You have to live with yourself every moment of every day. Your opinion matters more.

Be the best person you can be in each moment. Believe in yourself and color your thoughts with a positive opinion of yourself.

That’s all that matters.

You Can’t Have Everything

“Everything you’re trying to reach – by taking the long way – you could have right now, this moment. If you’d only stop thwarting your own attempts. If you’d only let go of the past, entrust the future to Providence, and guide the present toward reverence and justice.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.1

Be present. It is the only thing we own.

If you live this moment to its fullest, you won’t have any regrets.

If you do the right thing in this moment, you won’t have any regrets.

The future will work out the way it’s supposed. It may not be the way you want it to.

By being present in each moment, focusing on what you can control, you will be prepared for whatever happens.

You can’t have everything you want.

If you accept what happens to you you can have everything you need.

Do the right thing. Breathe. Be present. Calm.

Anger is a Gift

“Anger is a gift.” – Rage Against the Machine, Bombtrack, rage against the machine

As a Stoic you are not supposed to feel anger. That is the biggest misconception about Stoicism, with a big S, compared to stoic, with a little s.

stoic – not affected by or showing passion or feeling – Miriam-Webster definition

Stoic philosophers did not believe that you should not feel emotions. They believed that you should be in control of your emotions at all times.

You can feel anger, love, and sadness. Every emotion you have, at any time.

But then what?

“That it’s not what they do that bothers us: that’s a problem for their minds, not ours. It’s our misperceptions. Discard them. Be willing to give up thinking of this as a catastrophe…and your anger is gone.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11.18.vii

You have to domesticate those emotions. You can not let other’s actions rule your response. You have to use your emotions to your advantage.

Use any emotion, especially anger, to get better, to work harder, to learn more about yourself.

Rage is the dangerous emotion. Rage is out of control. Rage will make the situation worse.

Anger can be used to your advantage if you separate it from the situation.

Sometimes people need to know you are angry. It gets their attention, but it must be used in a measured way.

Anger can get your point across. It can drive you to improve.

Anger is a gift.

Why are they doing that?

“Learn to ask of all actions, ‘Why are they doing that?’ Starting with your own.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.37

This is an important question.

Remember that you have no control over what someone else does to you. You only control your response.

Whether what happens to you is good or bad is your opinion.

If you ask why they did it, you may find that they are not so different from you.

It brings humanity to the stupid things that people do.

To ask that question, you need to find the space, the space from your shock, from your anger.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl, A Man’s Search For Meaning

In that space, you can ask why and then make a thoughtful response.

That is the only way to make a bad situation better.

That is the growth and freedom Viktor Frankl is speaking of. Getting angry. Screaming and yelling that’s the easy way out.

Freedom comes from a thoughtful response. Understanding that the person that offended you is no different from you.

Living for Today

When life is easy, we tend to forget that tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone.

We may live for another 50 years or for another 50 seconds.

Bad stuff happens. Car accident, heart attack, random act of violence. No one knows.

That doesn’t mean we should live recklessly. It just means we should savor the present moment.

No regrets is a coward’s motto. We all have regrets. It’s what we do with them that matters.

We have to stop worrying about past mistakes. We would all like to be perfect and not have done dumb shit in our life. That’s an impossibility.

Mistakes will be made. Some of them will be HUGE, life altering. Then what?

“You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot in front of the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living.” – Elizabeth Taylor

You may post your best self on social media. But what about the days you can barely get out of bed?

Guess what? No matter how good your life is, we all have bad days.

We should prepare ourselves for what may happen. Premeditatio Malorum. But not worry about what outcome may actually happen.

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality. “ – Seneca

We spend too much time worrying about a future that we are horrible at predicting.

Live in the present moment Because that is all we have.

“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

It does not have to be a great day. It just has to be a day. Just get up and live it.

You don’t have to take the 30,000 foot view. My mom on once said to me during a difficult time get through the next 10 minutes, then the next 10 minutes.

Remember it is a privilege to be above the soil. There are more people than you can imagine who are breathing their last breath at this very moment.

Do not waste a moment that you still have breath.

If you have life be thankful. No matter your situation.

“Nature brings what is good for everyone and everything, and at the precise moment.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Life provides you with what you need if you are willing to accept it. It may look like an obstacle or bad luck, but that may disguise the opportunity.

The Right Path

“You can see what needs to be done. If you can see the road, follow it. Cheerfully without turning back. If not, hold up and get the best advice you can. If anything gets in the way, forge on ahead, making good use of what you have on hand sticking to what seems right.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.12

I have not always followed the right path. I have not always made the best decisions.

We get caught up in the moment. What we think is a good decision at the time doesn’t look so good in the light of the next day.

That’s ok. Today I can find the right path.

We all think the right path is straight. That is not the case.

The right path has twists and turns. It even has switchbacks and places where you have to turn around and start over.

“Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.” – Pocahontoas

Keep pressing on. If the right path were the easy path everyone would take it.

The right path will knock you down. It might even humiliate you.

You must find the courage to keep going. Put your head down, ignore the noise, and do the work.

Most important Job

“If the essence of the good lies within us, then there is no place for jealousy or envy, and you will not care about being a general, a senator or a consul – only about being free. And the way to be free is to look down on externals.” – Epictetus, Enchidrion, Chapter 19

The most important job is the one you have right now.

That means doing the best job you can every day.

“I am part of a world controlled by nature…So by keeping in mind the whole I form a part of, I’ll accept whatever happens.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 10.6

Remember, you are just a spoke in the wheel, a bit player in the drama.

Your job is to play that part to the best of your ability.

Not worrying about when, where, or how the next opportunity will come along.

“‘Well what will my profession in the community be?’ Whatever position you are equipped to fill, so long as you preserve the man of trust and integrity.” – Epictetus, Enchidrion, Book 24.4

You will find your profession.

It is important to have ambition, to want more for yourself.

But to get there, you have to be good here.

If you do your best work now, that next opportunity will come.

Shameless People

“When you are offended by someone’s shameless behavior, ask yourself, ‘Can there be a world without shameless people?’ No, it is not possible.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 9.42

People will always hate.

They will always try to knock you down to make themselves feel or look better.

Whether it is out of anger, jealousy, or fear.

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.4

It is your choice to be offended or not. If you take it personally you are complicit in their behavior .

Don’t want to be offended by it, don’t be.

You have to have the courage to be you. Sometimes that’s hard.

“‘What will happen to me?’ No one can tell you that. But with courage, you can say yourself, ‘I’m not sure, but I will get through it with my soul intact. I will make the best of it. I will not be afraid.’” RyanHoliday, Courage is Calling

As the old saying goes, sometimes you have to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

You need to have an undying belief in yourself.

That doesn’t mean arrogance. It means that you know you can make it out the other side of any situation.

People will turn on you. Decisions that looked good in the moment will go south. What will you do?

“Fall down seven times, get up eight.” – Japanese proverb

Don’t let anyone tell you, you are done. A setback is just the next move in a game of chess.

Are you willing to make the next move?

Slave

“Doesn’t it seem to you that acting against one’s will, under protest and compulsion, is tantamount to being a slave?” – Epictetus, Discourses, Book 4.1.11

We are all a slave to something: work, drink, drugs, sex, social media. The list can be endless.

We are a slave if we act against our own will, if we are listening to others and not living our own lives.

“All our decisions, impulses, desires, or aversions come from within us. No evil can force its way here.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.28

Why do we seek approval of others?

We have to live with ourselves. Only our opinion really matters; however, we are more concerned with others opinions.

“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.” Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.4

Are you ready to die for your beliefs, your lifestyle? Would you die for what someone else thinks of you?

“Apropos of which, Diogenes says somewhere that one way to guarantee freedom is to be ready to die.” – Epictetus, Discourses, Book 4.1.30

In today’s day and age we may not have to go to those extremes, but the message still carries.

If you are not willing to die for what you do every day, for what you believe in, you are a slave. A slave to someone else’s opinion, a slave to outside forces.

Worry about what you think. Do what you know is right. Have integrity. That will make you free.

Pain and Anguish

“External things are not your problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.47

Pain, stress, and anguish, are all negative emotions that come from how you perceive things.

If you don’t want to be harmed by something, you don’t have to be.

“Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option to accept the event with humility, to treat this person as he should be treated, and to approach this thought with care, so that nothing irrational creeps in.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 7.54.

No one has control over my thoughts and reactions but me.

I can choose to be serene and content.

I can choose to move on and never look back.

That’s much easier than it sounds.

We want to be right. We want other people to know we’re right.

But where does that get us?

Nowhere.

Keep going forward. Learn from your mistakes. Move on.

Accept people for who they are. Give them grace for their mistakes because at some point you made the same ones.

Setbacks

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

Everything that happens changes you.

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” – Heraclitus

Life is like the river. After something happens you are not the same person.

That doesn’t mean what happens to you should bring you down, but it should change you.

You should learn from it.

“A rational being can turn each setback into raw material and use it to achieve its goal.” Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.35

Setbacks should be used as fuel, fuel to get better, fuel to achieve your goal.

Giving up is not an option.

Life will never get easier. It will keep dragging you down if you let it.

However, if you focus on what you can control, you can move forward.

Even in the most horrifying circumstances, if you focus on what is in your control, it doesn’t make it easier, but it makes it tolerable.

Epictetus was a slave for most of his life. He had is leg permanently destroyed by a cruel owner, but he didn’t let that circumstance reduce him.

“They (the gods) made you responsible only for what is in your power – the proper use of impressions. So why take on the burden of matters which you cannot answer for? You are only making unnecessary problems for yourself.” – Epictetus, Discourses, Book 1:12:34-35

Now that is easier said than done considering the evil that human beings can do to one another.

Two prime examples are the horrific conditions that Viktor Frankl and Admiral James Stockdale had to endure.

Viktor Frankl was imprisoned in Theresienstadt and then Auschwitz. He lost his whole family to the horror. He however did not let it reduce him.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Viktor Frankl

James Stockdale was shot down over North Vietnam and spent seven years as a prisoner in the Hanoi Hilton prison camp.

“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” — Admiral James Stockdale.

Very few of us will have to suffer the horror that these men endured. Could you?

Many of us melt when we are hit with the slightest setback.

How do we soldier on?

We take it one day at at time. If it’s bad we focus on ten minutes at a time. If it’s really bad focus on the next minute.

Focus on what you control. We do not control what happens to us. We only control how we react.

It’s a Phase

I was listening to Ryan Holiday’s Daily Stoic podcast from May 25. It began with Ryan talking about everything in life is a phase.

Good, bad, or indifferent. Whatever you are going through will end eventually. Even if it means the end of you.

“Everything that happens is either endurable or not. If it’s endurable then endure it. Stop complaining. If it’s unendurable… then stop complaining. Your will mean it’s end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your best interest to do so.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book X.3

When you are going through something it may seem unbearable at the time. Then years later you look back, and you made it through and learned something from it.

What if you had that perspective when you were going through it?

Everything that happens to you is endurable. It may not seem like it in the moment. It may be painful but as I said in an earlier blog post: Pain = Growth.

Don’t get caught complaining even to yourself. What you are going through is hard enough. Don’t make it harder by feeling sorry for yourself.

There is always something to learn and something positive to take away from every situation. No matter how hard or painful.

The most painful experiences make us better.

“It’s not what happens to you but how you react that matters.” – Epictetus

Longing

Longing for what?

Days gone by? That may or may not have been so great.

Or a future of greatness? That may or may not come true.

Too much of the first brings on depression of things you cannot change.

Too much of the second brings on anxiety of things you cannot control.

You need to let go of who you were so that you can become who you want to be.

Longing is not a bad thing. It can be the driver to make your life better.

It can be the driver to create the goals that move you forward in life.

Long to be better each day. Long to be more humble. Long to be more empathetic. Long to be more wise. Long to be more understanding.

“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be, be one.” -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, X.16

Focus on making your life better, by being better. Not on external factors that you cannot control.

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things that are beyond the power of our will.” – Epictetus, Enchidrion, 1

Complaints

Complaining has become so engrained in our culture it is almost second nature.

The difference between complaining and pointing out problems is your willingness to do something about it.

Many people are unwilling to do the hard work to fix what is broken. It is just easier to complain and hope that someone else will come along and fix it.

“Don’t be overheard complaining … Not even to yourself.” – Marcus Aurelius

But if no one is willing to step up, how will anything change?

It takes courage to be willing to put yourself out there to change something for the better. It is the natural reaction of every human being to resist change.

Change is hard. Change is scary. The status quo is comfortable. But what if the status quo is not working?

In our society it hasn’t just become status quo to complain but to attack anyone willing to step up to fix a problem. We have become close minded to the possibility that we may not have all the answers.

When did it become passé to help a friend, a neighbor, hell, even a stranger. Now we’d rather just complain about THEIR problems behind their back.

How do we turn this ship around?

We need to become more compassionate, more forgiving of the mistakes of others.

Use the energy you use to complain to find a solution. Every problem has a solution. It may not be quick. It may not be easy. But it’s out there if you look for it.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly …and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Quiet Leadership

“I learned from Maximus to do my duties quietly and without complaining, while being dignified and charming” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.15.

What happened to leading from the front with humility? Not always looking for recognition. Never complaining about how hard you have it. Dealing with issues without looking for recognition or a pat on the back.

Now it seems every leader has to puff out their chest or announce every minor accomplishment on social media. It’s like the football player that has to celebrate every first down. Act like you’ve been there before.

In the classic Good to Great, Jim Collins discusses a Level 5 leader. A Level 5 leader has the combination of humility and indomitable will. Leaders who do whatever needs to be done to complete the job and don’t look for the credit.

In Think Again, Adam Grant describes confident humility, as “having faith in our capability while appreciating that we may not have the right solution or even addressing the right problem.” Leaders who believe in themselves but look to others for help in solving difficult problems.

Puffing out your chest with every accomplishment may feed your ego but will it inspire people to follow you? Maybe for a while but eventually they will get tired of you taking all the credit.

I am not saying leaders can’t celebrate the accomplishments of their team. The key word there is team. No one in leadership ever accomplished anything alone. Make it about those around you, not you.