Tag: Understanding

Beginnings

Why wait until the New Year?

Most people need an ending to have a beginning.

The end of the year is convenient.

But what about the end of the month, the week, or a day?

You don’t have to wait until the New Year to make a change.

Every minute is an ending and a beginning.

You can take this moment to do better, to be better.

Do the next right thing.

Times will be good. Times will be bad.

Life has a way of hitting you hard. It also has a way of turning around quickly.

“Happiness, of course, depends less upon our circumstances than upon our thoughts.” – 365 Promises and Prayers for Dealing with Anxiety and Fear

You have to love all of it. Amor Fati.

There is no other choice.

Enjoy this moment. Each one is a new beginning.

The Problem

All my life, I have thought that other people, things, issues, etc., were the problem.

I now realize I am the problem.

Now, that doesn’t mean that people, things, issues, etc. don’t cause issues in my life.

Even if these issues are not my fault, they are my problem.

You have no control over what happens to you.

Where you can become the problem is how you react to what happens to you.

It’s easier to blame others.

However, since we have no control over others it is impossible to fix that problem.

We do have control over what we do next.

This idea that you are the problem can be both terrifying and liberating.

If you’re the problem, you can’t blame others for the issues in your life.

If you’re the problem, then you are also the solution.

It’s the idea of taking ownership of your life that’s hard.

Are we going to make it better or worse?

I have a choice today.

I can accept what is and is not in my control and be grateful, or I can curse the world.

Either way, what is going on around me won’t change.

It is not easy.

The idea that we can make any situation better by the choices we make is freeing.

Choose wisely.

Overwhelmed

When we seek perfection in everything we do, we often feel overwhelmed.

You can’t ever be perfect so seeking it leaves you feeling inadequate.

This inadequacy can make you feel overwhelmed because no matter what you do it is never enough.

Take a step back and breathe into the moment. Then, do the next logical thing.

Many times we feel overwhelmed because we overschedule or overcommit.

The most precious commodity that we all have is time. We have to protect it.

That often means we need to say no. That is hard for many of us.

We don’t want to disappoint people. We want to be seen as helpful.

We will certainly disappoint people if we overcommit and underdeliver, and we can’t be helpful if we are overwhelmed.

I have learned that we do not control every thought that pops into our heads. But we do control our reaction to them.

We do not have to respond to them. We can let them pass like boats on the water.

If you respond to every negative thought you have, you will be overwhelmed.

When those thoughts come let them go and then remember why you are blessed.

Remembering your blessings rather than your problems will alleviate the overwhelm.

It is an impossibility not to be overwhelmed at times.

However, if you give yourself some grace, protect your time, let your negative thoughts go, and focus on the good things in your life, you will have more peace.

Irritating or Irritable

Small, annoying stuff happens to us each and every day.

Is what happened irritating or are you irritable?

Whether it bothers you is the choice you make in interpreting what has happened.

However hard it may be the choice to be upset about what is going on is still yours.

Choose to not let it bother you and it won’t.

Now that is easier said than done.

Especially on one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong.

It may take a Herculean effort to not lose it.

“Think…how soon you and your vexations will be laid in the grave.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

There is always a space between stimulus and response.

Sometimes that space may be brief but it’s there.

Breathe. Be present. Find calm.

Not everything needs an immediate response. Something’s don’t need a response at all.

If you react on emotion you will make a bad situation worse.

“Our rage and lamentations do us more harm than whatever caused our anger and grief in the first place.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Let your emotions subside then you can give a thoughtful, measured response.

Family

Nothing is more important than family.

They will be there in the good times and the bad.

By family, I don’t necessarily mean blood relations.

For many people, family is friends and colleagues.

I am very lucky that I have both.

My family has been there to celebrate with me during the good times and hold me up during the bad.

Whoever you call family, don’t forget to let them know how you feel about them.

One day you won’t have that opportunity again.

Happy Father’s Day

Being a father is the most important job I have.

It is not always the easy.

It is hard to lead by example.

The thing you have to remember is that you don’t have to be perfect.

Your children learn just as much from your mistakes as they do from your victories.

From your mistakes, they need to learn to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and keep trying.

From your victories they need to learn how to win with humility and not let it go to their heads.

Whether they learn either lesson is up to you and how you handle yourself.

My favorite title in the world is Dad. Love you, Anna and Brendon.

Letting Go

This post is a companion to last week’s about wishful thinking.

Once you have gotten over your wishful thinking about how your life should work out in the future.

You have to let go.

Let go of people, places, and things that may be keeping you from being present in this moment and living the life that is right in front of you.

Holding on and wishful thinking are ways of denying reality. We may not want it to be true, but it is.

Are you strong enough to let go?

We are very good at talking ourselves into holding on. That’s wishful thinking.

Letting go can be freeing.

It can clear all the mental clutter that is holding you back.

But change is scary. What if it doesn’t work out?

Guess what you have only so much control over that anyway. Focus on what you can control.

Giving your best effort at making the most of the situation.

Turning this situation into a stepping stone, not a stumbling block.

Healing

Some of the worst scars are in our minds. Often they are self-inflicted.

They are the ones no one sees.

Past mistakes, the pain we have caused others, not living up to what the world expects from us.

We blame ourselves and others for what has happened to us.

“It feels easier to live life blaming other people for any tension you may feel in your mind…” – Yung Pueblo, Lighter, p. 63

It doesn’t matter who is to blame. Blame is like picking a scab. Blame will never let the wound heal.

How do we let these wounds heal?

Compassion for yourself and others.

We say things to ourselves we would never say to a friend that was going through the same thing.

We have to show ourselves the same compassion we show our friends.

It’s not easy. We all have a running monologue in our head, and often it is not very kind.

It starts with hopelessness. We have to be open to the present moment as it is not as we hope it would be.

However, we need to have hope it will get better in the future.

We can create hopelessness and hope by focusing on what we control.

“Healing is when you intentionally decrease the tension you carry in your mind.” – Yung Pueblo, Lighter, p. 34

Often we need to just pause. Acknowledge whatever thought or emotion we are having. Then let it go.

We have to give ourselves the space for these wounds to heal.

“This too shall pass.” – Persian quote

Whatever is happening is never as bad as we make it out to be in our minds.

It is usually not fatal. You will survive it.

Acceptance

“How much wiser would it be to accept what we are given and show justice, moderation, and obedience to God, and do this in all simplicity.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.27

You have to be willing to take what you are given, good or bad. Whatever is handed to you, soldier on.

Wanting something other than what the universe has in store for you is a recipe for unhappiness.

Accept your current situation. There is no other option.

Accept that your past is over, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

“We can just try sitting with it all – our thoughts, our feelings, our perceptions – and letting everything be just as it is.” – Pema Chödrön, Welcoming the Unwelcome

Acceptance of the present and past, does not mean that you have to accept a future of misery.

If what you think you want is in the cards, it will come to you.

Be patient. Be present. Focus on what you control.

Your thoughts. Your attitudes. Your actions. How you treat other people.

You will receive exactly what you can handle and what is mean to to be for you.

Accept it.

Blame

Something bad happened. Who’s to blame?

Is that important?

So you have identified who’s to blame, is that going to change your situation?

The blame game never helps anyone solve a problem. It’s a waste of energy.

“You should not blame the gods for what happens in accordance with nature because they do nothing wrong either on purpose or by accident. You should not blame human beings either because they don’t do wrong on purpose. Blame no one.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12.12

People make decisions in their own best interest. If it harms you, whether it is good or bad is your opinion.

“Our desires should be restrained, and our aversions should be limited to matters under our control.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11.37

Blame wastes valuable time trying to rationalize why it happened.

It’s over. Why it happened doesn’t matter. It only matters what you’re going to do moving forward.

Amor Fati – “Not merely to bear what is necessary, still less conceal it….but love it.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Accept what has happened. Breath. Be present. Calm.

Now make a plan to take what has happened and use it to your advantage.

You have lost your job. Take the time to figure out what is important and how you are going to use the time wisely to make your new life better.

A relationship ended. Take the time to evaluate what happened and use that information to make the other relationships in your life more meaningful.

The fact that you are alive is a miracle. Be grateful.

Don’t waste your time on blame. Use your time to be present and get better.

Be Kind

You never know what someone else is going through.

The angry comment your coworker made to you. The idiot that cut you off in traffic. The rude person in the grocery store.

Maybe they just found out they have cancer. Maybe they are rushing to say goodbye to a dying loved one. Maybe their husband or wife told them they wanted a divorce.

Be kind.

You cannot control what anyone does or says to you.

Be kind.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Let it go and move on.

Be kind.

“Whenever anyone criticizes or wrongs you, remember that they are only doing or saying what they think is right. They cannot be guided by your views, only their own; so if their views are wrong, they are the ones who suffer insofar as they are misguided.” – Epictetus, Enchidrion

Their views are not your concern. You have to be concerned about how you act. Not them.

Let them carry that hate or anger. That is their burden.

That is a burden you do not need.

Be kind.

You never know when you will need someone else’s kindness.

Be kind.

There is someone else you need to be kind to, yourself.

Maybe you were the angry coworker. Maybe you were the idiot who cut someone off in traffic. Maybe you were the rude person at the grocery store.

Be kind to yourself.

Give yourself grace for your mistakes.

Be kind to yourself.

You are not defined by the mistakes in your past.

Be kind to yourself.

We say things in our heads to ourself that we would never say to another person.

Be kind to yourself.

As long as you are drawing breath you have the ability to be better tomorrow.

Be kind to yourself.

The compassion that you give to a loved one, to anyone, who makes a mistake you should give to your self.

Be kind to yourself.

There is always tomorrow.

Why are they doing that?

“Learn to ask of all actions, ‘Why are they doing that?’ Starting with your own.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.37

This is an important question.

Remember that you have no control over what someone else does to you. You only control your response.

Whether what happens to you is good or bad is your opinion.

If you ask why they did it, you may find that they are not so different from you.

It brings humanity to the stupid things that people do.

To ask that question, you need to find the space, the space from your shock, from your anger.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl, A Man’s Search For Meaning

In that space, you can ask why and then make a thoughtful response.

That is the only way to make a bad situation better.

That is the growth and freedom Viktor Frankl is speaking of. Getting angry. Screaming and yelling that’s the easy way out.

Freedom comes from a thoughtful response. Understanding that the person that offended you is no different from you.

Pain and Anguish

“External things are not your problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.47

Pain, stress, and anguish, are all negative emotions that come from how you perceive things.

If you don’t want to be harmed by something, you don’t have to be.

“Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option to accept the event with humility, to treat this person as he should be treated, and to approach this thought with care, so that nothing irrational creeps in.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 7.54.

No one has control over my thoughts and reactions but me.

I can choose to be serene and content.

I can choose to move on and never look back.

That’s much easier than it sounds.

We want to be right. We want other people to know we’re right.

But where does that get us?

Nowhere.

Keep going forward. Learn from your mistakes. Move on.

Accept people for who they are. Give them grace for their mistakes because at some point you made the same ones.

Growth

I have been working on myself using stoicism.

Step 1 focusing on what I can control.

I cannot control how anyone treats me. I can only control how I respond. No one can harm me without my permission.

Be present in the moment. The past is over. The future is unknowable.

Learn from the past but do not beat myself up over mistakes. Preparing for but not worrying about how the future will work out.

Taking calculated risks that could pay big dividends in the future, but trying not to predict how that risk will turn out.

We humans are horrible at predictions. Too many variables, to control for them all. Make the best decision you can with the information you have and let it ride.

Having courage to do what’s right. Fighting for justice for all. Practicing temperance. Striving for wisdom.

I have made progress but there is a long way to go. The journey will never end.

Civil Discourse

Where has civility gone in our society? You don’t have to agree with what’s going on, but why are you screaming about it. Discourse is slowly dying in this country.

I have no problem with people being passionate about their beliefs. However there is a way of being passionate and civil that seems to be lost on many of us.

If you’re going to be rude, I am unlikely to listen to you. If you scream at me, call me names because I don’t agree with you, I will turn you off. So even if you have valid points they are not making it into my brain for me to even consider.

As Adam Grant discusses in his book, Think Again, we spend too much time being a preacher, a prosecutor, or a politician. We preach to protect and promote our ideas. We prosecute when we see a flaw in someone’s argument and want to prove them wrong. We politic to win others over to our side. In all three of those cases what are we not doing? Listening.

The first thing we all need to do is listen, really listen. We need to listen before we respond. We need to listen with empathy. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Does that always change our opinion or response? Not always, but maybe, just maybe the other person says something you agree with. Then what.

Then you must modify your opinion. Very few things in life are set in stone. Adam Grant describes this as thinking like a scientist. A scientist is willing to take in new information and modify their opinion based on that new information.

We will never always agree, but that doesn’t mean we have to scream at each other. We do have an obligation to change our opinion if and when information is presented to us that shows we are wrong. To do that we need to listen. For others to want to listen to you at the very least you need to be civil.

Empowerment

All three of the ideas I have spoken about in my last three blog posts, passion, inquiry, and understanding, have brought me to this final idea of empowerment. Wouldn’t now be the right time to empower teachers and students to remake education into what it could and should be?

You might say: Now? The right time? With all the uncertainty? Well there never is a right time. We always wait until the right time, but it never comes. We push things off because it’s not the right time, and then guess what nothing ever happens. But isn’t now as good a time as any?

Uncertainty is the rule, not the exception. It’s how we respond to the uncertainty that matters. That is a major tenet of Stoicism. We need to make teachers and students feel safe in taking risks in adjusting their teaching and learning in response to this uncertainty.

Whether we are in schools or in remote learning, the only people who really know what is going on in any classroom are the teacher and the students. Shouldn’t we empower them to make the decisions that are best for them?

We must allow them to use their passions to make classrooms and learning relevant. Empower them to look at curriculum through their lens and make adjustments that personalize the learning to them.

“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress; working hard for something we love is called passion.” – Simon Sinek via The Innovator’s Mindset by George Couros

We also must encourage our teachers and students to question everything. Powerful questions are what drives innovation in any industry. Teachers and students should be asking questions that further their own teaching and learning. They are at the ground level of what can be done to make our classrooms, either virtual or in person, better.

“You don’t have to hold a position of authority to ask a powerful question.” – Polly Le Barre via A More Beautiful Question by Warren Berger

If teachers and students are encouraged to us their passions and ask their own questions, they will develop a deeper understanding of whatever they are studying. They can use that understanding to push education forward toward what we envision: equity in opportunities for all children. They will also be happier in the process. What will you do this year to empower teachers and students to make education better?

“I encourage you to commit to empowering the people you serve to be part of the process of finding and solving problems.” – George Couros, The Innovator’s Mindset

Understanding

Inquiry and understanding go hand in hand. You can’t truly understand something without asking questions. Unfortunately in our day to day lives we are made to believe that we have to have all the answers. Or do we?

We have created an illusion in our society that you are a expert by having all the answers. Having all the answers limits progress. If you have all the answers then you aren’t asking the right questions.

Nothing could demonstrate that more than the situation we find ourselves in right now, trying to figure out what is the best way to start school in September. I am not sure there are right answers, but there are a lot of questions. Whatever decisions are made will be questioned in the future. Always remember hindsight is 20/20.

Is it really that different from any other year? Sure it is more pronounced due to the health risks, but shouldn’t we come into every year having more questions than answers? We are all aware that the educational system needs to be fixed but yet we continue doing the same old, same old.

I think the first step forward is focusing on inquiry. Our schools should be places where everyone, students, teachers, administrators, staff, parents, feel comfortable asking questions about why and how things are done. By asking questions of each other we can build a common understanding.

We should be using our questions, especially student questions, to build a deeper understanding of our schools and ourselves. Teachers should help students find their own questions that will help them build their own understanding.

We are at a crossroads right now. We can continue to do the same thing we have done for the last 100 years with the only exception of doing it remotely. Or we can take this opportunity to ask questions of each other and create an understanding of what education can become for our 21st century learners.